


Teddie-ctive Noir

by Monokarhu



Category: Persona 4, Persona Series, 逆転裁判 | Gyakuten Saiban | Ace Attorney
Genre: Crossover, Crossover Pairings, Detective Noir, F/M, POV First Person
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-02-10
Updated: 2020-03-13
Packaged: 2021-02-27 21:53:59
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 3
Words: 6,578
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/22642912
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Monokarhu/pseuds/Monokarhu
Summary: In this hardly-boiled tale of investigative idiocy that makes 'The Black Bird' look like 'The Maltese Falcon', a detective with a chocolate candy cigarette addiction encounters the toughest (and only) case of his career when a femme fatale walks into his office with a perplexing quandary; her first-ever handmade badge has gone missing!Can Sam 'Teddie' Shovel crack the case and find the (presumably-not-jewel-encrusted) badge, or will Miss Faraday have to make do with her 19 other badges?
Relationships: Ichijou Mikumo | Kay Faraday/Kuma | Teddie (Persona Series)
Kudos: 5





	1. Humble Bear-ginnings

It started just like any other Saturday. I was lounging leisurely in my office — a closet that was converted into a bed — with a chocolate candy cigarette loosely hanging from my lip, leafing through the local advertisement papers for any good deals on snacks. My wallet was going through some hard, moth-infested times, and every cent saved was a blessing.

Suddenly, my assistant, Yosuke 'Jose' Hanamura, slammed the office door open. I was so startled I almost dropped my cigarette.

"You've got a guest," he said in his boring, ordinary voice. "I bet you'll never guess who she is."

'She', huh. Been a while since I had a dame visit my office. I leaned out of the clos- I mean, office door to get a look at my visitor from the ground up. She had legs a lot like my girlfriend's. Her general attire was also a lot like my girlfriend's. The dark blue scarf she was wearing also reminded me of my girlfriend, and for a second, I wondered if those were in fashion these days. By the time I got to her face, I realized that I was, in fact, staring at my girlfriend, Kay Faraday.

"Hi, honey!", she said in a cheery voice while waving at me. "Are you doing anything? Also, nice hat."

I took the candy cigarette out of my mouth, placed it on my candy shelf — a shelf for my candy, not a shelf made _of_ candy — and threw the advertisement I was previously looking at into the corner.

"I'm currently investigating three murders and seven cases of adulting, but I always have time to listen to a lady", I told her in my manly, gravelly, deep voice while adjusting my slightly ill-fitting fedora. She tilted her head and looked at me like I was eating chips without soda.

"What's up with him _this_ time?", she asked my assistant. Jose looked away from his important paperwork — or, as he calls it, 'homework' — to address her concerns.

"He watched a film noir marathon on television yesterday, and now he thinks he's Sam Shovel or whatever," he told her before returning to his important filing duties. She walked up to my office and leaned in from the front door.

"What a coincidence. I actually came here because I need help solving a potential crime," she told me in a voice that sounded a bit sarcastic, but she usually wasn't the kind of gal to get sarcastic with me, so I shall interpret it as 'seductive' instead. "You see, my original Yatagarasu badge disappeared from my room some time before noon. I looked everywhere, but couldn't find it, and my grandparents said they haven't seen it either," she continued in her seductive voice. I took my candy cigarette from the candy shelf and put it in my mouth wholesale.

"I usually only take serious cases like murders and adulting, but I'm willing to make an exception for you, dear," I told her in my deep, manly, gravelly voice while chewing on the cigarette. It left a good taste in my mouth, unlike this case.

"Why do you keep saying 'adulting'? It's _adultery_ ," she responded. "Do you even know what it means?"

"Acting like an adult?", I asked her in my normal voice because my throat was starting to get sore.

"It means cheating on your partner, dum-dum," she responded before brutally assaulting my tender forehead with a gentle flick. She was clearly one of those 'fatal females' they warn you about in detective school. I should watch my back.

"I see. Anyway, we should get to the crime scene before the hot trails become cold trails. No-one likes a cold trail," I told her in my manly booming gravel voice once again before grabbing a few packs of candy cigarettes for the road. "Hold down the fort while I'm gone, Jose."

"Stop calling me that, goddamn it!", Jose responded, upset about something. I chose to ignore whatever it was, for I had more important matters to attend to, like this case I just assigned myself to. After picking up a few more cig packs, I jumped out of my office, closed the door, and walked out the other door with my dear Miss Faraday.

* * *

After we arrived at the victim's house, I courteously greeted her grandparents, who were happy to see me once again. They told me I had a nice hat and gave me a sweet roll. Nice people.

"So, when are you two lovebirds going to get married?", her grandpa asked me in a jovial tone. I'm not completely sure what 'jovial' means, but I think it sounds good, so it's staying.

"Oh, stop it," Miss Faraday told him. "We've barely been together for a couple months. Isn't it a bit soon to be thinking about marriage?"

"No need to be so serious, dear," her grandma said in turn. "Great-grandchildren _would_ be nice, but take your time." Children, huh. Nana-chan's great, but I don't know if I could stand looking after a child _all_ the time. Besides, I don't even know how they're made. I've tried to ask Yosuke, but he doesn't seem to want to tell. Perhaps I should investigate this mystery next.

Miss Faraday crossed her arms and sighed. Sensing her mild anger, I decided it was time to cut the chit-chat and get to the point.

"I'm here to investigate the case of your granddaughter's missing badge. I heard you don't know anything about it. Is that true?", I asked the grandparents in my gravelly, manly, deep, booming voice. I then took out a couple candy cigarettes and put them to my mouth.

"Playing detective, are we?", her grandma asked in return, clearly not taking my career choice seriously. "Well, you're entirely correct. Neither of us visited her room during the time the badge supposedly went missing."

"Very good, very good," I told her while writing out potential one-liners into my notepad. Here are some of them:

  * Knife knowin' ya. (if I stab someone)
  * Even if this is Japan, I have the right to bear arms! (if I punch someone out)
  * Crime doesn't pay. (if someone's trying to do something illegal for money and I nab them)
  * Sadly for you, bears are a natural predator of birds! (if Miss Faraday turns out to be evil and I have to defeat her) (gotta check if this is actually true so I don't look like an idiot)



"I have one more question," I told her before sucking in the candy cigarettes hanging from my mouth. "Are bears a natural predator of birds?"

Miss Faraday, her grandma and her grandpa all looked at me like I was eating cookies without milk. As their stares continued piercing my very soul, I slowly chewed on the delicious chocolate cigs while considering a career change.

"They... can be, I suppose," grandpa told me in no uncertain terms before Miss Faraday decided that the show was over.

"Alright, the show's over," she told her grandparents before pushing me out of the living room and up the stairs very seductively. Her hands felt good against my back. It was like a cheap massage that I didn't have to pay for. I wished for the staircase to never end, but sadly it did, like most staircases tend to. However, I _have_ seen images of neverending staircases on the internet, so perhaps I should investigate them further and get Miss Faraday to push me up one of those next time.

Once we got to her room, she sat me down on her chair and closed the door. Her room smelled good. Mine also did thanks to all the candy, but that's neither here nor there. She sat down on her bed and looked at me with narrowed eyes.

"What was _that_ about?", she asked me in mild shock. I showed her my notepad with a very calm, relaxed, and stylish hand motion.

"Oh, it's just for this one-liner I've been working on," I said, confident in my writing ability.

"What's it say? 'If Miss Faraday... turns out to be evil... and I have to defeat her'? Yeah, I don't think you'll have to worry about _that_ ," she assured me. However, I'm not one to believe anyone that easily. I took out a pack of candy cigarettes and put yet another one to my mouth.

"That's precisely what a fatal female would say," I told her, certain that I had finally caught her in the act, whatever that means.

"A _what_? Do you mean a _femme fatale_?", she corrected me while stifling a laugh. Not just any laugh, but a very seductive one. "If I was one of those, why would you have willingly come here? I'm pretty sure I could take you out in a fight." I chewed and swallowed the cigarette to mask my increasing nervousness and put three more to my mouth.

"W-Well, you know, gotta be sure and all that. Anyway, I'm not here to argue about semantics, I'm here to point out contradictions, and I've already found one!", I told her in my deep man voice while leaning back on the chair like a cool person. "If your badge is missing, what is _that_!?", I yelled before pointing at the badge that was very clearly attached to her scarf. "I knew it wasn't missing at all and this was merely a trick to lure me into a deathtrap! You've revealed your true colors, you fiend!", I continued, shaking my fist at her.

"It's... _a_ Yatagarasu badge, Teddie. I have more than one of them, remember? I lent you one when you became a temporary Yatagarasu member," she explained. I thought about her seductive words for a moment and realized that she was, in fact, right.

"Oh yeah, you're right," I said, putting as much gravel into the words as I could. My throat was starting to get very sore, but I had to bearsist for the sake of my career. I swallowed and chewed one of the cigs hanging from my lip, certain that it would help my throat. It did not.

"Like I said before, I've explored every nook and cranny, but I just can't find it," she told me while pointing into various directions. She then opened a drawer on the dresser next to me and pointed at a pile of badges. "See those? They're my other ones. Including the one I'm wearing right now, there are 19. I have made a total of 20, so... you do the math."

I decided to do as she suggested. If you take nineteen, and then add one to it, that makes...

_twenty_.

By golly, she was right. Not only was she beautiful, but she could do math too, and she had legs. Long ones, that went on for days. Or at least one day. They went on... _for a day_. Heh, I should write that down. I took out my notepad and quickly scribbled my thoughts into it.

"So, Miss Fara-", I gravelled before having a coughing fit. At that point, I decided that my career could, in fact, continue even without a deep voice. "So, Miss Faraday," I said in my regular ol' voice. "If you're so great, can you balance this on your nose?", I asked her before handing her a fresh, unused candy cigarette. I already knew she was capable of almost everything, but if she managed to pull this feat off, I would have to admit that she was utterly bearfect.

"I genuinely have no idea what the heck you're talking about, but... I guess I can try?" she said seductively before leaning back and positioning the cigarette on top of her nose. She then let go of it, and managed to balance it on her nose for a few seconds. After it fell, she caught it in mid-air. She then put it in her mouth and started chewing.

"Very impressive," I said while clapping. "You truly are bearfect, aren't you?"

"Thanks," she replied. "Now, can we _finally_ get to the part where we actually look for my badge?" I quickly chewed and swallowed the two cigarettes I had kept on my lip, and put a couple more there.

"Works for me," I said in a tone of voice that indicated the chapter was about to en


	2. Inbearogating Ain't Easy

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Teddie does some detective work.
> 
> Kind of.

As I leaned back on my chair and stared at a splotch on the ceiling that looked suspiciously like the head of a certain cartoon mouse, I thought about how I should question her. In the olden days, they seemed to ask questions mainly by pointing guns at each other, but I felt like I'd get yelled at if I did that, so I decided to start the inbearogation armed with nothing but my trusty notepad.

"Ahem. Let me start with the most basic question, Miss Faraday; what's so special about this badge?", I asked while I poked the brim of my fedora with my pen and wondered if it was perhaps a bit too big for me. "Does it contain some kind of microfilm? A chemical formula for something important? Or perhaps the nuclear launch codes?"

"Sadly, it's just an ordinary badge. Apart from being the first one I ever crafted, it's nothing special," she replied in a very boring, fantasy-shattering way. I thought about what she had said for a moment while chewing on one of the choco cigs I had on my lip, and then glanced at the pile of badges in the drawer.

"If you don't mind me asking, how can you tell which badge is which?", I asked her before picking one up and looking at it from various angles. "They all look identical to me."

"I've given them all 'serial numbers'," she said with air quotes before snatching the badge from my hand seductively and showing me its back. She pointed at a tiny scribble next to the safety pin. "See? This one is number 7."

"I've got it!", I exclaimed, surprising Miss Faraday. "Tell me," I said before pocketing my notepad, taking the remaining candy cigarette out of my mouth, and holding it between my fingers like a cool person. "Did you mark the first badge you made?"

"No, I... I did not," she replied, clearly shocked by my bright intellect. "Does that really matter, though?"

"I think it does," I said before standing up. "If the first one is the only one without any markings, it is the only _pure_ one," I continued while pacing back and forth. "If I wanted one of your badges for some nefarious deed, I'd definitely want the purest one."

"A nefarious deed, huh?", she replied while looking at me like I was buying a Christmas cake on December 27th — not that I have any experience with that. "Somehow, I doubt it."

I placed my free hand on her shoulder and looked into her eyes in an understanding manner. I suppose I can't blame her for not knowing about the seedy underbelly of the world. After all, she hasn't seen what I have. Bodies piled on bodies, piled on even more bodies. Weird people-shaped white lines on the floor. Guns that just don't stop smoking. Blood. A whole lot of blood. Boy, do I hate seeing blood. Also, I can never get the image of all that uneaten food out of my head. If you're going to off someone, at least wait until they've finished their meal! C'mon, have _some_ courtesy!

"You don't know that, toots. There are all kinds of people in this world. You haven't seen what I have," I told her before eating my cig. Sometimes I wonder if I consume too many of these, but I just can't go about my business without 'em. It's only an addiction if I can't quit, and I can quit at any time, dang it!

"I've helped investigate more actual crimes than you have, O Great Detective. Also, _never_ call me 'toots' again or I'll make you eat that hat," she retorted while glaring at me like she actually meant what she was saying.

"V-Very well. One more thing before we begin, though," I said before pulling out my notepad once more. "What am I getting paid for this gig? My office doesn't run on good vibes alone, you know."

Logically speaking, I should have expected her next move. Femme fatales aren't known for their unpredictability, after all. However, sometimes something can be so obvious that you just don't think about it until it's too late. 'Missing the mountain for the trees', I think they call it.

Anyway, what I'm trying to get at is that she swatted my hand off her shoulder, grabbed my collar very seductively in return, and gave me a nice, big kiss on the lips. It felt good, like an ice cream bar on a hot day, or heavily discounted chocolate, or getting kissed by my girlfriend. Too good, in fact. I pushed her back and turned around to straighten my collar.

"I-I can't do this with you, Miss Faraday! I'm a married bear!", I dramatically proclaimed to her in my most theatrical voice.

"I can't remember everything you've said, but I feel like we've already established well enough that I'm your girlfriend in this scenario, Teddie. You can't just change your wacky fantasies as you please," she told me, completely missing the point of wacky fantasies. I sighed, took out a candy cigarette, put it on my lip, and turned around.

"Fine. You win, Miss _Wife_. So what was that kiss about?"

"You could call it a 'down payment', I suppose. There's plenty more where that came from!", she said with a wink. "Furthermore, if you actually manage to find the badge, I can buy you some snacks. Not too many, though. I'm not made of money."

"Kisses _and_ snacks? Wow, I think I was just shot down in a gang fight and went straight to Heaven!", I exclaimed happily. "Bearhaps I should actually put my all into finding the badge!"

Once again, Miss Faraday inflicted a merciless surprise attack on my frail forehead by flicking it. That's what I get for marrying such a dangerous woman, I suppose.

"Are you saying you _weren't_ going to put your all into it before?", she asked me while holding her hand in a flick-ready position against my forehead.

"O-O-O-Of course not! I _always_ give 80 percent!"

"80 percent isn't 'all', you dummy," she said while her hand trembled more and more in anticipation.

"It is for m-", I tried to proclaim before being interrupted by her gloved finger smashing into my head once again. As I gently rubbed my forehead in utter agony, she leaned forward and looked me in the eyes with a clear intent to kill. Or get serious. One of the two.

"Now that we've done the whole 'straight man and wise guy' routine, could we _please_ start looking for the dang badge?", she inquired.

"Sure," I responded. "But where are we going to look? You said you've searched for it everywhere, didn't you?"

"I was being figurative, silly. Now get on your knees, look under my bed, and earn your snacks," she told me before gently pushing me down on all fours. As I looked under there to see if I could find anything besides dust bunnies, she suddenly planted her boot firmly on my back, like a small fruit on top of some ice cream. If only there was a simile for that.

"What are you doing?", I asked as I looked up to see her wide, wicked grin.

"I'm doing my best femme fatale impression for you, detective boy. That's what you wanted, right?", she said in a seductive — this time for realsies — voice before applying even more pressure on my poor back. "See anything yet?"

"Just dust, dust bunnies, and maybe even a dust bear," I told her meekly before noticing a small scrap of paper in the corner. "No wait, there's something there," I said before squirming under her bed to grab it. "Now pull me out, please."

Wasting no time, Miss Faraday grabbed both my legs, pulled me out from under the bed, and sat on my back. As I tried to futilely break free from between her dastardly — but nice — legs, she snatched the scrap off my mitt and examined it.

"Oh hey, I wondered where this went," she said after presumably reading it — I couldn't exactly see what she was doing from my vantage point — and before patting my hat. "Good boy. That's definitely worth at least one small bag of chips." She sure knew how to grease my gears. There's nothing more dangerous than a woman who knows the one true weakness of all men; hunger.

"Wow, thanks! So what's on that paper?", I asked her while still desperately flailing around.

"It's just some random occult stuff I've been meaning to research a bit. You know me, I love mysteries."

"Occult stuff, huh?", I pondered. "Wait, what if someone stole your badge to use it in some kind of a curse?" After a moment of silence, Miss Faraday let out a hearty laugh and patted me heavily on the shoulder.

"Good one, honey. Next you'll tell me my socks go missing because a _sock gremlin_ is eating them," she said before standing up. I rolled over and got a nice look at her bright red shorts.

"Better enjoy the view before I stomp on you," she said without looking down at all.

"H-How'd you know?", I asked, filled with dread. Had she developed psychic abilities? Did she have a third eye? Were aliens involved?

"Because you just told me, dummy," she responded smugly before jumping onto her bed. "Now then, be a good detective and investigate under everything."

"Wait, did you ask me to investigate this case only because you didn't want to check out these places yourself?" She leaned out from the bed and poked me on the cheek.

"Maaaaybe. Got a problem with that?"

"Hey, as long as I get my chips, I won't have to resort to my trusty firearm."

"Your _what_?"

"Uhh... nothing."

As she continued laying on her bed, smugly watching me do all the work, I crawled on the floor like some kind of a worm, checking under everything to see if I could find anything besides dust.

I could not.

"Nothing but dust," I told her as I dug out a cig and ate it. "Is that all, Miss Faraday?"

"I think so, yeah. Where on Earth could it be?"

Before either of us had a chance to wonder about that, our trains of thought were rudely interrupted by a rock being thrown through her window.

The window was open and the rock was small, but still. Rude.

After the rock hit the floor and clattered its way under Miss Faraday's bed, I sighed and crawled under there to retrieve it. After I obtained it and uncrawled myself, I checked it out closely and realized that there was a scrap of paper wrapped around it.

"What's it say?", Miss Faraday asked. I unwrapped the scrap and examined it.

"It says, 'If you want your badge back, come to the Junes food court in half an hour. The funny hat guy can come too.' I wonder who it's referring to."

"You, I presume," she said while poking my fedora. "Anyway, that's awfully bold of them. If I stole someone's property, I wouldn't talk about it in a space as inhabited as that. I'd go to an abandoned factory or a mine or something."

"It's a bit weird, but it can't be helped. We should go right now. Who knows what they'll do if we're late? Maybe they'll eat your badge!"

"Probably not."


	3. Beareaking and Entering

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When a mysterious person with a mysterious plea asks for the Great Thief's help, will she answer the call and, more importantly, will Detective Teddie come along?

After we purchased some hard drinks — orange soda for her and also orange soda for me — we arrived at the food court to find precisely one table occupied. The man sitting there, with his black suit, short dark hair, glaring glasses, and businessman-like posture, looked like the dictionary definition of 'untrustworthy'. Probably a part of the mob. Perhaps some kind of a boss. Anyway, we walked up to the table, and Miss Faraday started the conversation by slamming her hand against the table.

"Are you the scumbag who stole my badge?", she asked while glaring at the man. He looked at us with a blank expression and nodded.

"Indeed I am," he said flatly. "It's amazing what you can do with a well-trained pet crow and an open window, isn't it?" In an instant, Miss Faraday's aggressive posture and angry look changed into ones of admiration.

"You have a pet crow!? That's amazing! What's its name? I'd love one too, but my grandparents won't let me," she said while hanging her head low. As we finally sat down, the man straightened his glasses and tilted his head a bit.

"You sure change your tune fast, don't you? Weren't you going to punch me a mere moment ago?", he asked Miss Faraday. "Also, her name is Midnight."

"Cute. Setting that aside for a moment, I'm willing to give the benefit of doubt to anyone who has a pet crow," she shrugged. "Besides, if you didn't think we'd listen to what you have to say, you wouldn't have invited us here, would you?"

"How attentive of you. I do indeed have a prim and proper reason for asking your help, Miss Great Thief," he said before putting his hand inside his suit jacket.

"You better not try anything funny. I guarantee I'm a faster shot than you," I told him while cradling my pocket. He looked at me in confusion for a moment, most likely astonished by my quick wit.

"What? I'm not armed, I just wanted to show you this," he replied before pulling out one of those old-fashioned instant camera photos from within his jacket. Beary noir. He placed it on the table and we got a good look at it. It showed a gold-ish statuette of some kind of a bird.

"What's that?", I asked him.

"It's a statuette that goes by the name of The Tiercel. An old family heirloom. Despite its looks, it's not all that valuable," he replied. "Pretty heavy, though."

"So what does this have to do with us?", Miss Faraday inquired. The man stuck his hand into his jacket's other inside pocket — I decided to hold off on pulling out my sidearm this time — and produced a shiny fragment. We looked at it in awe.

"This is a piece of one of The Tiercel's wings. It's also all I have left of it," he said with a little bit of emotion — sadness, mainly — in his voice. "You see, it was stolen from me by someone you're quite familiar with. One... Jim Stone."

Me and Miss Faraday immediately looked at each other, and then at the man.

"Yes, we're quite... _familiar_ with him, even if we would prefer not to be," she told him. "However, I still don't see what this has to do with us. There's this neat service called 'the police' that helps you with such matters."

"Yeah! We're not a thieving-on-demand service, you know!", I added. The man scratched the back of his head while looking aside, and then lowered his head like he was ashamed.

"I suppose _stolen_ wasn't exactly the right word to use. Perhaps _scammed_ would be more appropriate, since he finagled it from me with some very clever contractual trickery. I still can't figure out why. Maybe he thinks it's valuable just because it's gold-colored and heavy."

"Sounds about right," I said. "He definitely wasn't the sharpest needle in the haystack." Miss Faraday side-eyed me briefly for some reason before grabbing the statuette fragment from the table.

"So you want two teenagers to break into someone's home to retrieve your personal property in exchange for personal property stolen from one of said teenagers?", she asked bluntly while staring at the fragment.

"Oh yeah, I almost forgot," the man replied before he took something out from his jacket pocket and put it on the table. It was none other than the badge. "Here you go."

Miss Faraday looked at it in shock for a moment before picking it up. She examined its backside to find out that it was, indeed, number 1. The original. The _pure_ one.

"Well, uh, thanks," she mumbled before pinning it on her previously-beareft scarf. "What, exactly, was the point of stealing it in the first place, though?"

"I felt like I needed to get your attention somehow to be properly heard out," the man said while adjusting his glasses once again (most likely for dramatic effect this time, though). "If you thought I'd hold it hostage to force you into this heist, you're sorely mistaken. If we're being honest, I don't feel very good about even _asking_ you to do this, but I don't exactly know any other professional thieves and, as I said before, the statuette _is_ technically his property, so I can't very well just waltz into a police station and expect them to retrieve it for me."

"You definitely got my attention, that's for sure," Miss Faraday replied. She furrowed her brow, and for a small while, she silently stared at the fragment in her hand. Meanwhile, I took a sip of my soda. Refreshing, like an ice bullet to the mouth.

Finally, after some deep delibearation, she took both the fragment and the photo and put them into her satchel.

"If this was about anyone else, I'd probably say no, but I just can pass an opportunity to take a righteous jab at Mr. Stone. I suppose I could qualify this as training too," she told him. "Oh, and I do expect to get a look at your pet crow, thanks."

"That can be arranged."

"And I want some snacks for this!", I added.

"I... suppose that can be arranged too."

"Then it's a deal, Mister... what's your name anyway?", I asked him.

"Just call me Dove."

* * *

Mr. Stone's house hadn't changed one bit. Possibly because it hadn't been all that long since the last time we visited it, possibly because of time magic. Who knows?

"So, do you trust this Mr. Dove guy?", I asked her while gracefully taking out a choco cig from the pack and not fumbling with it at all.

"The fact that he uses a code name makes me a bit leery, but I doubt I'd be standing here right now if I didn't at least _kind of_ trust him."

"Code name? What do you mean?", I asked before accidentally dropping my cig.

"Come on, Teddie. There's no way a man looking for a _bird_ statuette would just _happen_ to be named Dove. And don't pick that up, that's nasty." I stopped mid-crouch, looked at the cigarette on the ground longingly, and stood up with a sigh.

"Hey, I think it works," I said before pulling out another cig and putting it in my mouth. "It's very theme-matic. Fits into the story nicely."

"I hate to break it to you, honey, but this isn't a 'story', this is real life," she said before scratching her cheek in thought for a moment. "Though that's exactly what they say in every story ever, so... maybe we _are_ in one?"

"Told ya. Anyway, how are we going to get inside? We can't exactly trick anyone into opening the gate for us this time."

"Heh heh," Miss Faraday snickered before cracking her knuckles. "We thieves have a few trade secrets," she continued with a smug grin before pushing the gate open. "For example, the preternatural ability to see when a gate isn't actually locked."

"Impressive," I replied before walking inside with her and closing the gate behind us. She walked up to the front door, rattled the door handle a few times, and turned around with a mischievous look on her face.

"Guess it's not gonna be _that_ easy," she said before pulling a lock pick out of her scarf. "Now watch a pro in action." One couldn't help but wonder why she kept the pick in her scarf when she had a perfectly fine satchel right there on her hip.

As I looked at her graceful lock-picking motions — and definitely not her hips — I thought about when the obvious betrayal would most likely happen. Would the house be full of enemy spies? Would Miss Faraday stab me in the back and abscond with the statuette? Would Mr. Dove shoot us both after we deliver the statuette to him? Would _moi_ somehow be the bad guy in the plot twist of the decade?

While I kept thinking of every increasingly awry scenario, Miss Faraday grabbed my hand and pulled me through the now-open door into the house. It looked the same as it did when we were there last; everything was flashy, tasteless, and/or shiny. If there's one thing money can't buy, it's good taste. And dinosaurs. Those things are long gone. Well, I _did_ watch this one movie once, but I don't think it was real.

"So, where do you think the statuette might be?", I asked Miss Faraday.

"Mr. Stone is exactly the kind of tasteless dimwit who would have a 'treasure room'. We should look for that."

"Good idea," I replied before I looked at the end of the corridor I was facing and noticed a plaque that said 'Treasures'. "Never mind, found it."

"What?", Miss Faraday asked before looking at where I was looking at. "Oh."

We walked into the surprisingly-not-very-well-guarded room and started snooping around. It was surprisingly large, its walls lined with shelves and display cases full of all kinds of exquisite items from jewelled scepters to one-of-a-kind comic books to, weirdly enough, a box of 'tenebra-flavored' confectionery, whatever that meant.

"No," Miss Faraday told me sternly while holding her hand between my face and the confectionery box.

"I wasn't going to-" " _NO._ "

Saddened by the fact that I couldn't eat the chocolates I definitely wasn't going to eat anyway, I put a couple choco cigs into my mouth before I started carefully analyzing everything in the room to see if anything resembled what we were looking for. As I chewed on the cigs and my eyes darted here and there, I noticed a small box tucked away in a corner. I took it out of there, carried it to the table in the middle of the room with a lot of effort as it was very heavy, and opened it to reveal a bird-shaped statuette with a chipped wing. _Probably_ what we were looking for.

"That was easy," I said. "However, every time things are this easy, something bad's about to happen, and that can only mean one thing; the enemy spies are going to rush into this room right... about... _now_!", I proclaimed dramatically, punctuating every word with a subtle finger wag as I side-eyed the door.

After a moment of the quietest silence I had ever not heard, Miss Faraday snickered very seductively, pulled out the wing fragment from her satchel, and compared it with the chip on the statuette.

"I think it's safe to say that this is what we're looking for," she said as she repackaged the statuette into the box. "Couldn't even be bothered to put it on display, huh? What a piece of work that guy is."

"Indeed. Well, at least our work here is done. Shame about the enemy spies, though," I said, tilting my hat down sadly.

"I would consider the lack of people trying to kill us a good thing, but to each their own," Miss Faraday replied, patting my shoulder.

As we made our way out of the house, making sure that we didn't leave any obvious signs of breaking and entering, I thought of that box of confectionery again. What did it _mean_?

* * *

Once again, we arrived at the food court. As we sat down, I couldn't help but notice two very strange objects on the ground next to Mr. Dove's chair; a heavy-duty gym bag and some kind of a bell-shaped object that was being covered by a cloth. As I thought of what secrets they could be hiding, Miss Faraday slammed the box onto the table and opened it to reveal the statuette. Upon seeing it, Mr. Dove shed a singular tear. And then another. And another. And another.

Before we knew it, his face was practically nothing but two waterfalls.

"Th-thank you," he sniffled while gently cradling the box. "I thought I'd never see it again." He closed the box, taped it shut, and put it on the ground before lifting the two previously-mentioned weird objects onto the table. "Any guesses as to what these might be?"

"Snacks and Midnight?", Miss Faraday guessed.

"Correct," Mr. Dove replied.

"I knew that," I lied.

While Miss Faraday played around with Midnight, I attended to my detectively duties; namely, checking out what kind of snacks I got and how many. I opened the gym bag to realize that it was packed to the brim with all kinds of things, ranging from chocolates to chips to cookies to chocolate chip cookies.

"I hope it's enough," Dove said. After a brief of moment of staring at him silently with my mouth hanging open, I nodded profusely.

"Yeah, it's... it's good. Thanks," I mumbled before briefly burying my face in the sea of snacks.

"I think it's about time I make my leave, then," Dove said before ushering Midnight back into her cage. "Once again, I can't thank you two enough. Perhaps one day, I'll even be able to thank you with something other than words or a bag of snacks."

"Well, you know, it's nice to be nice or whatever," Miss Faraday said before scratching the back of her head and looking away in thought. "Uhh... Before you go, can I ask you a question? Might sound slightly dumb."

"Go ahead."

"Well, uh... Is Dove your actual name?", she asked him. He tilted his head in clear confusion.

"Indeed it is. Gideon Dove, to be precise. Sorry if I didn't make that clear before."

"Told ya," I told her. She gave me the classic 'I'm going to steal your chips' look before waving goodbye to Midnight.

After the two left, I unsheathed a Snackers bar and started eating it.

"Shame he didn't betray us," Miss Faraday said before opening a packet of chips and seductively putting one in her mouth. "Guess I'll have to be the one to kill you, huh."

"Seems like it," I sulked. "Could you save it for the sequel, though? I don't want my awesome adventures to end before I've even sold the movie rights."

"If I get 75% of the profits, sure," she bargained.

"I'm pretty sure that's less than 100%, so it's a deal!"

And so, my first case — or did I say I was hard-boiled veteran? I don't remember anymore — came to a close. I didn't really do any of the work, I bearly 'detected' anything, and I'm getting sick of this dang hat, but I got a bag of snacks, and in the end, that's all that matters.

Anyway, tune in next time for the _real_ conundrum of our time; **Detective Teddie and The Mystery of How Babies Are Made**. I'm going to solve it even if it kills me — and considering the deal I just made with Miss Faraday, it _might_!


End file.
